Things I learnt from TV (and movies)
Being as two people only ever read this because i'm not quite ready to take over the world with my rantings yet I thought I would do a little funny blog to brighten up your days a bit more when you do get round to reading it. I had a laugh the other day reading about things that you will learn from watching too much TV on a random forum somewhere so thought that I would bring to your attention.
1. Always, No matter what the occasion use your local pub to host the party despite the constant punch ups and shit that goes wrong they can cater for any need, christening, wedding reception, homecoming, birthday, anniversary, world cup party (despite no TV) you name it they can do it.
2. Never go to a hospital if you have a "minor injury" you will die horribly, if however you have some incurable diesease you can bet your arse that some doctor will cure you with a part from a pig.
3. If you cheat on your partner you WILL get found out, and most probably it will happen in your local pub in front of every one.
4. Dont have a baby - most die, or have incurable dieseases or will cause you to split up a happy family.
5. Dont get married, if you do, one of you will die, if you stay alive you'll be divorced within two years anyway coz you have a baby.....
6. If you run a fruit and veg market stall you can earn enough money to buy a property in the east end of london........
7. In the same area that millionaire gangsters are also buying houses.
8. Anyone who has a slight cough probably has an inoperable brain disease
9. Fight as loud as you want, publicly as you want, it'll all be forgotten by the neighbours next week.
10. A night out consists of sitting in the pub 1 minute away from your house all evening, every evening.
11. Adults do not exist on the outskirts of chester
12. Working in a launderette, pub or as a skivvy in a garage affords you enough money to live in a 3 bed room house
13. You dont need to own a car and if you do you will only use it once a month the rest of the time it will be in the garage to keep the local mechanics employed.
14. Buisnesses will spring up overnight and suddenly be making thousands of pounds a month despite no-one ever going in there.
15. Houses will suddenly become tardis's and no matter how many members of the family you have there will always be an extra room made up for them.
16. When you think you have seen the last of every single family member that you know of another one will pop up from the darkest corner of the globe.
17. Your local post office is a goldmine, you know this because it is robbed at least once every two years.
18. 50 year old women and 13 year old girls can get pregnant by being breathed on, but if you are trying to conceive the man will have a low sperm count.
19. If you are going on holiday no-one will ever mention going abroad, its always "Brighton" or "Blackpool" This is probably because......
20. Going abroad will result in finding someone whos funeral you have been to or you will bump into your ex-wife and baby who had skipped the country and probably you will get murdered.
21. At least 3 people in your street will own a gun and they know how to use it
22. You can live with a murderer for months and not have the slightest clue what he is up to.
23. Dont play for Harchester Utd or Earls Park football team, you could be involved in murder, corruption, match fixing, rape, suicide, blindness, drugs, hit and runs, armed robbery. Just dont do it!!
24. You can be a millionaire purely for living in a house and swearing for 12 weeks
25. "The worlds biggest penis" is not a documentry about George Bush.........
26. Women only watch CrimeWatch for one reason......
27. If you are being chased by a mass murderer dont run upstairs, instead, try running away.....
28. This however only works if you are Linford Christie, because no matter how fast you run the mass murderer will only be 10 steps behind and you WILL trip over and break your ankle before being mutilated.
29. If there is a house for sale in your street you can bet your arse that someone you know will buy it, it wont be some random stranger, in fact most probably it will be your dad, or someone you had a kid with 13 years ago.
30. Ask for a beer in your pub and it will be ready in about 0.000001 of a second no waiting for it to be poured! Plus dont hand over a fiver you'll never get change oh and also...
31... if you walk into your pub and there is three people at the bar that you have recently argued with that doesnt matter you'll always buy them a drink, cost doesnt come into it. Plus
32. You can go into the pub alone, its never packed, there is just enough seats for the locals and everyone you know is in there anyway.
33. Your buisnesses will run themselves if you are not there and still be thriving.
That'll do, I might edit this but im saving and going home!!
posted by Spiller5 @ 5:19 pm
12 Comments:
LOL! funny. You watch a lot of soaps? What about:
34. If you live in the east end of London you can not get a job anywhere apart from 5 mins from your house. Thats a lie only one person from the whole square can work a tube ride away.
35. If you get a taxi it has to be driven by your next door neighbour.
36. You will never be more than 10 mins away from a gangster. If he is horribly killed or goes to prison another one will always take his place.
37. If a gangster goes to prison, it is always for a crime he didn't commit.
38. Nobody ever has to pay for the jukebox, it's always free.
39. Noone you know will ever put money in the fruit machine. Other people you see everyday but never talk to, sometimes will.
40. Noone ever owns a local business for more than 1 year. They change hands annually and eventually come back to the original owner.
41. If you wrote a text message to someone about something you shouldn't be texting, you WILL be found out.
42. Noone in your area ever goes to university. Ever. College is as far as you get, if this happens you are serious danger of being impregnated by a dog or something.
43. You can never be sure if someone is dead, even if a body is found.
44. If a family member goes abroad or goes to Manchester for a 'fresh start' they will not come back for funerals, weddings, 60th birthday parties etc.
Nah I dont watch a lot of soaps at all to be fair!! I only have four channels this is just accumlated knowledge!!
number 44 - how true!! No-one EVER comes back, Hollyoaks recently the twins died and the mum didnt even attend the funeral, how is that possible!!
I know thats the most ridiculous thing. At least in Hollyoaks they made an excuse that she was in hospital from shock, but most of the time they don't even bother to make up an excuse, like when Mark died in Benders and his sister didn't come to his funeral.
45. You never get away with anything, you always get your comupance. (sp?)
46. If you manage to get your child past the age of 1 without it dying or your partner takes it away to a foreign country for a 'fresh start', it is likely to drastically change appearance for no apparent reason. Like Lucy from Neighbours.
47. If you do manage to live in an area where nearly everyone is at uni, you are very unlikely to go home for the summer or after you finish your course. unless of course you get killed horribly, or raped, or stalked, or become a nightclub owner or something.
48. Those that used to be bad people or useless people will suddenly do something herioc and become legends - then they will die and no-one will remember the bad in them
haha! yeah! They always bring someone in and make them appear nasty (like Stacey in Benders) then somehow they completely change her character!
49. You can get away with really telling facial expressions like guilt and noone will ever read it and ask why you look like you've just killed someone (which you probably have)
50. Summer Bay in Australia is the most dangerous place in the world to live! Now I dont watch it but visit my mum once a week and she does and each week its a different story, Violent storm in the sea, boats, capsizing, kidnapping, murder, corrupt policemen, babys being born and two dads always fighting over who's it is. Doctors changing heads three times in a year. Getting trapped on rocks, rapists being on the same party boat as you. Snakes and spider plagues that will kill you. If nothing else gets you, cancer will! Talk about a friggin nightmare they should condemn that place to the ground!
:)
51. Never go to any party or town or hotel that Jessica Fletcher (murder she wrote) goes to. Because someone WILL die.
Ha ha these are all too true!!! I not read the full list - but how about the fact that they have only just started bringing in more characters from ethnic minorities in Eastenders - seeing as this is the east part of London you would have thought this would have occurred from the very start of the soap?
yeah and the ones they do bring in are always ugly, especially Indians. Remember Geeta and Sanjay?
Sanjay was quite fit! Just a shame about the nose - looked like it was constantly squashed up against a window.
haha! I meant to say the women actually, Indian women on TV seem to be minging. The bloke in spooks is quite fit.
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